Friday 18 November 2011

Psycho Bride Deserves An ASBO

"More real life stories of woe and injustice from an anonymous wedding photographer"

The below is the original eMail i received from a bride in response to
her cheque bouncing (Ive replaced real names with pseudonyms). Now I'm man enough to know when a bollocking is deserved but when the Brides cheque bounces and its my fault! I fear for the man who has married this woman...

I am emailing rather than phoning you as I fear I may not be able to keep my temper in check if I actually talk to you.

I am astounded and quite frankly appalled that a "professional" photographer would wait six weeks (at least) to cash a cheque! When my sister gave you the payment there were sufficient funds available to cover the amount. If you had not delayed in attempting to cash the cheque this deplorable occurrence could have been avoided. But to wait such a length of time before depositing the cheque is both careless and inconsiderate! Mrs McDrevit has incurred a charge for the rebounded cheque, a result that, again, could have been avoided if you had acted in an appropriate, timely manner!

Having said all that, I accept that you are still awaiting payment for your services. I'm afraid, however, that you will now have to wait until the end of the month until payment can be made. Obviously you cannot be trusted with another cheque, so please advise if you have a means of receiving payments electronically or over the phone? Mrs McDrevit has agreed that you may pick up a cash payment from her house if that is the only available option.

Please advise the best way to proceed.

Regards

Lisa

Saturday 22 October 2011

Caution amateur wedding videographer standing in the way at all bloody times

If you can’t afford a professional wedding photographer don’t ask your best mate to do it.

“Advice from an anonymous York wedding photographer”

Wedding videographers give my bum a headache but there is a class of videographer that boils my piss more than the standard 21 yr old media grad and that’s the amateur videographer, typically that’s the Father / Uncle of the bride who is intent on standing in front of the photographer at key times.
They’re dangerous too, not only due to lack of awareness but they’re a bridal party VIP so you cant taser them when they get in the way and registrants allow them to wander wherever they want whilst reading the riot act to the wedding photographer.

This year I shot a wedding at the Black Swan Helmsley. The registrant pounced on me and barked in a perfect Gestapo dialect:

“Stay at the back and no pictures during the ceremony!”

I wanted pull her tongue out and stick my fully charged studio battery contacts on it. But I had my reputation to uphold so I resisted the urge.

When the ceremony started the Father of the Groom stood right next to the newly weds and filmed the whole ceremony permanently in the frame of my camera, douche bag! So there’s me chained at the back being paid to get the shots and the Stanley Kubrick wannabee in the frame of every pic.

When the ceremony finished I marched up to the registrant and asked why I was chained at the back of the ceremony whilst Uncle Bob could wander wherever the wild potential of his handicam took him. The Gestapo officer, sorry I mean the  registrant countered with “We don’t  Like flash” But I don’t use flash I explained. But I wasn’t getting through, her eyes were drained of humanity maybe bleached colourless from years of flash photography, either way she wasn’t listening and marched off with her reptilian assistant trying to keep up.

But this is a serious point; too many registrants are instructing the photographer to stand at the back and giving the amateur videographer a free reign. If its fear of the flash then the registrant should say no use of flash and all is good.

So if your booking a videographer and he’s your best mate tell him not to stand in the way unless you want a wedding album with a camera man in every shot.

And my final bit of advice from the angry pulpit of disempowered wedding photographers is make sure you tell the registrant that you want the photographer to take pics at the front of the ceremony and chaining them at the back wont be necessary ;-)

Sunday 3 April 2011

Wedding photographers beware of the reluctant Best man & Maid of Honour...

So far I would say 50% of maid of honours can’t be arsed to help out with facilitating the photographer during group shots. When it comes to the basic of responsibilities like adjusting the Brides dress or lifting the veil over mucky ground they are nowhere to be seen. 

And then there’s the neglectful best man. After the third time of shouting "Can all the Brides Uni friends please organise themselves for a group shot" you turn to the best man for help and he's pis*ed off to the Hotel Bar. If he does turn up and I quote this from an actual best man you'll get a caustic - "I thought I was here to have a good time not help you out mate".

In the past I’ve done all manner of things to make contingency for the reluctant Maid of Honour and Best Man, from printing out wedding plans on an easel to de briefing the Best man over the phone well in advance but little seams to defend against the malaise of the carefree.

Take a leaf out of the 50% that do help the photographer, here's what they do:

1. They ask me if they can be of any help
2. They get a copy of the plan and organise group shots.
3. The Maid of honour is always on hand making sure the Bride gets a drink when she wants one, tidy's up the dress diligently for each photograph and never buggers off.
5. When over keen photographer wannabees start organising there own shots they step in reminding guests that they can take all the shots they want when the photographer has finished.

Now I'm off to buy an electric cattle prod, if Argos is out of stock then I'll have to check out the going rate of hiring an assistant, oh God I see more cost coming my way :-(

Author: the anonymous York wedding photographer 

Monday 28 March 2011

Don't Blame The Wedding Photographer

The Sun newspaper recently published an article detailing how a couple successfully sued the wedding photographer & videographer for dodgy shots.
But it’s not always the photographer’s fault. Yes the bridal party does have there part to play, it’s a two way street. Here’s the top 5 pain in the arse things bridal party’s do when your trying to photograph there very special day.

1.Bride just won’t stop talking when you’re taking their pic so you end up with shots looking like they’ve just had a stroke.

2. Despite a detailed photo plan clearly communicated people turn up late and say Chevy Chase things like.. “Sorry mate got a bit pissed last night”

3. The registrar fails to tell everyone no pictures until the official photographer has got his. The photographer then ends up having to battle his way through a paparazzi scrum.

4. When the bride walks up the aisle with her entourage they all bunch up and with no spaces in between the bridesmaids she’s totally blocked out so you can forget getting the classic walking up the aisle pic.

5. The best man doesn’t look up during his speech. With his script firmly glued to his nose he’s convinced himself if he meets eye contact with anyone he’ll spontaneously combust.

So if your booking a wedding photographer remember you’ve got a part to play too and if you attempt to sue make sure you didn’t ignore the brief the photographer eMailed you else you might find your self on the wrong end of the court bill.

Author: the anonymous York wedding photographer

Tuesday 8 March 2011

Church Vergers don’t like wedding photographers...

Job duties of the Church Verger:
  • Opening up and locking of church premises
  • Preparation for various weekday services where applicable
  • Telling the wedding photographer to naff off because you need to go home early to catch BBC's Countryfile

Picture the scene; I’m photographing the bridal party in front of a well-known North Yorkshire Church. I finish photographing the bridal party and invite the Bride and Groom to go back inside the church for the classic mantle piece shots.
As I turn round to enter the church the Verger is closing the door and within ear shot of the Bride directs this at me...
“We’ve got homes to go to you know we cant hang around here all day”
It takes a moment to take in what you’ve just heard but just as I was cooling from my blushes the Bride wadded in.
“Excuse me we’ve paid over £2000 to hire this church now let us in”
Suffice to say we did get back into the church but the atmosphere was anything but saintly and without a doubt this was the most embarrassing incident I’ve ever had to deal with as a  wedding photographer.
This was the first time this had ever happened but not the last. It happened again at another North Yorkshire Church. As I was photographing a family inside the Church due to bad weather the Vicar hurriedly started switching all the lights off. It would seam that despite paying a Church for the privilege of using their sanctified stage extended opening hours is not guaranteed. A bit like the over keen bouncer telling you to drink up and go home 2 seconds after last orders bad manners it appears is not exclusive to bouncers.
Church Vergers are not all bad tempered however, in fact the majority will help out as much as possible but beware Vergers can bite and whilst you may spend most of your time buttering up the Vicar to get free roam during the ceremony make sure you spare a little Lurpak for the Verger.
My solution is to never assume a Church Verger would pass an NVQ level 1 examination instead write a letter to the Church explaining amongst other things you’ll need access back into the church after the ceremony. Forget trying to ring, visit or eMail you’ll get no answer just a long silence giving you a rare moment to contemplate whether God really cares about wedding photographers.
Author: Anonymous York wedding photographer 

Tuesday 1 March 2011

Church Vergers don’t like wedding photographers


Job duties of the Church Verger:
  • Opening up and locking of church premises
  • Preparation for various weekday services where applicable
  • Telling the wedding photographer to naff off when they want to go home early.

Picture the scene; I’m photographing the bridal party in front of a well-known North Yorkshire Church. I finish photographing the bridal party and invite the bride and groom to go back inside the church for the classic mantle piece shots.
As I turn round to enter the church the Verger is closing the door and within ear shot of the Bride directs this at me –
“We’ve got homes to go to you know we cant hang around here all day”
It takes a moment to take in what you’ve just heard but just as I was cooling from my blushes the Bride wadded in.
“Excuse me we’ve paid over £2000 to hire this church now let us in”
Suffice to say we did get back into the church but the atmosphere was anything but saintly and without a doubt this was the most embarrassing incident I’ve ever had to deal with as a  wedding photographer.
This was the first time this had ever happened but not the last. It happened again at another North Yorkshire Church. As I was photographing a family inside the Church due to bad weather the Vicar hurriedly started switching all the lights off. It would seam that despite paying a Church for the privilege of using their sanctified stage extended opening hours is not guaranteed. A bit like the over keen bouncer telling you to drink up and go home 2 seconds after last orders bad manners it appears is not exclusive to bouncers.
Church Vergers are not all bad tempered however, in fact the majority will help out as much as possible but beware Vergers can bite and whilst you may spend most of your time buttering up the Vicar to get free roam during the ceremony make sure you spare a little Lurpak for the Verger.
My solution is to never assume a Church Verger would pass an NVQ level 1 examination instead write a letter to the Church explaining amongst other things you’ll need access back into the church after the ceremony. Forget trying to ring, visit or eMail you’ll get no answer just a long silence giving you a rare moment to contemplate whether God really cares about wedding photographers.
Author York wedding photographer davidclick.com

Monday 14 February 2011

"Hi may I exhibit at your next wedding fayre? No bugger off!"

Ok so you’ve set your self up as a wedding photographer and you need new business and one door to knock on is wedding fayres. Everyone tells you that’s where the business is you’ll get tonnes of bookings at wedding fayres they all chime.

Enthusiastically you call the wedding venues, twenty calls later you feel like a call centre Jokey with earache from the thundering clap of doors slamming shut.

Wedding fayres are contrary to advice not easy to book for the rookie-wedding photographer, why? Because venues have trusted lists of photographers they book in year in year out and any outsiders will get the cold shoulder unless you guarantee Kate Middleton will relocate her wedding to their venue if they book you.But don’t despair there is a way and as a full time wedding photographer my self the advise I give here is tried and tested.

Step 1 – Set up a prospect list in excel. Google wedding fayres in your region and list them all with the following columns. Venue, key contact, dates of fayre and a yes / no column so you can record if your in or not. Don’t write it down on a piece of paper as the law of writing important bits of info on scraps of paper clearly states –
“Any piece of important data transcribed on a piece of paper shall never be retrievable at the key moment you need it ”

Step 2 -  When you call your prospect list don’t go for the Apprentice style TV show approach, just ask for an invite to show your work. (If you haven’t got anything to show get at least a photo book with your best weddings on, I recommend blub photo books, you can knock one up for under £20)

Step 3 – If you get an invite that’s when to ask for any up and coming wedding fayres when you actually meet, resist the temptation to ask this straight away, you may come across as too pushy. But get ready for the “Sorry we have our preferred photographers booked in this year” But do not despair remember your only asking to be put on the reserve list and you are now on there radar.

Getting a slot at a quality venue as a wedding photographer will take perseverance. You may hear how newly qualified teachers find it hard to get jobs in the nice schools because the teachers stay in them until retirement, well getting booked into a top venues wedding fayre is no different. You will come up against the old guard, a collection of your competitors who you look at with envious eyes but they aint budging until they drop dead. I rang Carlton Towers the other day and was told the only chance of a slot coming up at a wedding fayre was when one of the photographers retires, seriously you have to be patient but you will get there.
Whether you like it or not when you decide to set up as a wedding photographer your going to have to learn to be a sales man. This book helped me:

Selling To Win - Richard Denny
And this axiom useful –
“Roll with the punches tomorrow is another day”

Author: The anonymous wedding photographer